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Ken Darby

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jokes and Inspiration

PEBBLE

By Ken Darby

You might have to think on this one folks!

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant bends down and has a look at the shoes. "Try

pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith thighth."

 

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SAYING

It is necessary to be centered, to be balanced like a

mountain is balanced.

----  Ken Darby

 

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JOKE

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are talking about

the control they have over their wives, while the third

remains silent.

After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask,

"What about you? What kind of control do you have over your

wife?"

The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll

tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees."

The first two men were dumbfounded.

"Wow! What happened next?" they asked.

The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and

mutters, "Then she started screaming, 'Get out from under

the bed and fight like a man!'"

 

Golf Joke

Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing

golf. Moses stepped up to the tee and drove a long one.

It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward

the water. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water

parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long

one directly toward the same water. It landed directly

in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the

water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped

it up onto the green.

The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the

ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming

traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and

hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof

of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down

the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward

the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it

hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and

onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a

very large bullfrog jumped upon the lily pad and snatched

the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped

down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed

over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped

the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful

hole in one.

Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing

with your Dad."

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SAYING

Stay calm. There you find power and gifts you

will find nowhere else.

----  Ken Darby

 

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached  her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" 

She responded, "Why, yes I do know  you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly,  you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the  brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a  youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.

He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three  different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." 

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks that bitch if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

 

JOKE

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was

speeding down Main Street.

''But officer,'' the man said, ''I can explain.''

''Just be quiet!!!'' snapped the officer. ''Or I'm going to

let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.''

''But officer, I just wanted to say...''

''And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!''

A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner

and said, ''Lucky for you the chief is at his daughter's

wedding. He'll be in a great mood when he gets here.''

''Don't count on it,'' said the prisoner. ''I'm the groom.''

 

 

 

 

 In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached  her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" 

She responded, "Why, yes I do know  you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly,  you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the  brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." 

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a  youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.

He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three  different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." 

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks that bitch if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

 

JOKE

An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out

of the Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the

manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting

in the lobby?  He's been there ever since I arrived."

"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. 

"The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of

the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises

for the rest of his life.  He is known as 'Big Chief

Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory.  He is 92

and can remember the slightest details of his life."

The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for

his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.

"G'day, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod

in return.  "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st

birthday?"

"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking

up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.

He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to

the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief

Forget-Me-Not's great memory.  (One local noted to him that

'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief

than 'G'day mate.')

On his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later, he

was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting

in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.

"How?" said the Aussie.

"Scrambled," said the Chief.

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SAYING

Your Maker is with you 24/7. You are never away from

being able to communicate with your Maker and enjoy

the prosperity that is yours.

----  Ken Darby

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